So much has happened in the between time. I remember:

Being taken home to UW by Kevin and his parents, the heavy snow and how when after we walked out of Uwajimaya, the snow really layed on thick. We walked afterwards to Lorraine's house and she cooked spaghetti and we played rummy. Snowballs, sliding in the tennis courts, snowmen flanking us.

Design projects, taking so much time, so much more than I remember. I've pulled so many all nighters. I'm proud of my work immensely but the late nights (due to procrastination, admittedly) is taking its toll. I love design, I really do, just I'm confused if I'm doing this for myself or for others.

So many food events. I've eaten out so much more this quarter than I ever have. Dim sum, Pam's, other things, I'm sure. Can't remember fully right now. I can't wait for my own apartment. I can't wait.

Reading is so much easier now that it isn't assigned. I've finished The Time Traveller's Wife, The White Tiger, and The Road since The Autograph Man and I'm finishing up Let Me Finish. 53+ Books this year? Hope I make it.

Magical Weekend. Casino with the girls. One Copper (Red?) Penny is addictive. I loved how spontaneous that whole thing was. More spontaneity in my life means a happier me.

Movies & Television. Let the Right One In (beautiful but not amazing), Slumdog Millionaire (fun but not amazing), Revolutionary Road (beautiful and amazing). Pushing Daisies is adorable and 30 Rock is the best best best. iTunes visualiser chasers makes for soothing times.

Tim's at the room much more often and it's annoying as all get out. Haha fine, guy, just don't bring me down with you.

Ben and Lorraine both said very beautiful things in one night. Ben was explaining a Kurt Vonnegut quote, that everyone's life has one story that is their life's tale and it doesn't necessarily end when you're born nor may it even extend to your death, rather, most people are born into their prologues and die in their epilogues. Quoth Lorraine, when asked what purpose would there be to living to 90+ years of age: "I want to string pearls of wisdom and wrap them around my grandchildren."

Anyway, the sum of these parts means I'm a happy camper. Today, in the thirty minute break between shifts at Odegaard and Mary Gates, I meant to walk home and take on a jacket but instead I saw the Art building and said to myself, "Why Not?" which, I think I should ask myself more often. I step inside and walk into the art library, and see Kelsey C. at the desk to my happy surprise. I've never visited her at work though I had always meant to.

I rented two typography books and missed out entirely on getting that jacket since I had to go, but darn it all if it wasn't worth it. I realised then, walking down the halls that I belong to a tradition of art and expression going back, back, back. I felt mollified. I just need to push on during these few years and I'm sure everything will fall into place and I'll finally find out when my story has taken place. I mean, why not?

Dukkha, the Nature of Suffering

"...birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering."

Samudaya, Suffering's Origin

"...it is this craving which leads to renewed existence, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there, that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for existence, craving for extermination."

Nirodha, Suffering's Cessation

"...it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, nonreliance on it."

Marga, the Way Leading to the Cessation of Suffering

"...it is the Noble Eightfold Path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration."

The Eightfold Path

Right View Vision right now is set towards the future. Let Things Be Fine in 2009™ is a current slogan for the year. Celebrations? I did go to Aileen's house. Nice. Great, actually, cut short but filial ties. Did not do much. Moped, maybe. I readied myself for bed, not seeing any use for myself, but my sleeping habits as of late made this an impossibility. As I slipped under the covers, I took one last glance at my phone and the infinite splice between the years had come and gone by a minute and I had intended to spend it in dreaming, not brushing my teeth.

Right Intention After an hour of tossing, falling languidly in and out of what I hope was sleep, I gave up attempts and decided that the new year was not to be enjoyed with The Autograph Man yet to be finished. At exactly 7:15, January 1st, 2009, I read the last page of that bugger of a book after three cups of slowly supped green tea and two slices of peanut buttered bread. To my relief, the book did pick up during the second half and eventually I was satisfied.

I feel the first half of the book was so hard to read because I couldn't become wholly enthralled with the mystique of the Kabbalah its early chapters tried to sell me. Neither could I easily like nor understand the male characters of the book and I could not relate to them. Thankfully, like in most life's situations, the Women--and to a lesser extent a much needed change of scenery--in The Autograph Man saved the prattling narrative from its seeming aimlessness and its difficult, at times annoying protagonist. It was Woman who brought the most out of Alex-Li Tandem. It was Woman who selflessly carried the weight of his immaturity, it was Woman whom he adored and gave him meaning in life, and it was Woman must suffer saintly in their Symbolism. They were always only orbiting the plot, but each satellite was important, a tangential vision, the only place in which Alex found God.

I guess that was the point of the book. Satisfying yet not deserving a personal five stars. Most of all, Alex-Li Tandem is sort of a bastard and a louse and I'm still mulling over whether to love him despite faults or to detest him despite my sympathies. I'll give it some time to stew. There were some choice quotes that I think I'll post in another entry.

Right Speech I'm going to take the time later to browse my posts throughout the year and to open up the old, yellowing pages of notebooks and journals written around Junior High to High School. What cheer, eh? (Oh poor, sweet Doyler.) I did get texts from Mariela and Daniel (Yes. Daniel. Haha what a guy), wishing me a good one, and I felt such a swelling of gratitude I felt like calling everyone up to just talk, but I realised that they were spending it with family and I didn't want to take away from that. There will be other times and I can't wait to see everyone again.

Right Action The problem is that, when I finished the book and allowed myself a self-congratulatory lap around the house, I saw the much-maligned flakes of snow blanketing the streets, the cars, all lit against the sickly yellow of lamps outside. This probably means that my plans for meeting with others may be dashed away, though looking outside now at the first of my 2009 mornings, the snow doesn't look like it will impede me yet. I can still see grass poking out from beneath it for crissakes. My dire need for sunnier days and bike rides to Gas Works makes me forget that the upcoming quarter is called Winter Quarter, a depressing instance of labelling that works to dash away those hopes.

Right Livelihood But still, as The Autograph Man has taught me, "Spring comes. Grass grows by itself." Miraculous, non? In the meantime, I will work hard to make sure my choice of a major was worth it. This is not me settling. I will find out when, notif, I can start taking the Drama, English Literature, and Film Studies classes I love because for all its aesthetic beauty, in words--in the emotional weight behind them both delivered and read--not in still pictures, I find the most happiness. I miss English classes and the vulnerability of explaining your own personal reading of a text, of hearing others' takes that add enlightenment from the very nature of different viewpoints. If anything, I feel like so much of design is based on a single viewpoint masked as multiple. Although not as defined as math, I feel like there's still only there is a quota of room left to breathe. I guess whatever helps me become stable, which allows me to follow the things I love, to live as I love... not a career, but sure, a livelihood, that gives me breath despite close quarters, both figuratively and literally, this I can be satisfied with. Mollified and grateful, even.

Right Effort The thing is, Tim says I should be more involved with the gays, or what he calls "The Fam." I guess so. It's not much fun being the Gay with the Norcamp crowd. I'll try, guy. But I can't help but feel that I'm outside looking in. I know avoiding--well, I'm not avoiding the gays, per se, just I cannot see any reason to extend effort at the moment seeing as how I'm content in friendship for now with the good people I know at present. It's so much work, you know? And I'd feel ridiculous? Not ridiculous, I mean, I'd feel, I dunno. I don't think I'm cut out for it all, is all.

And as for the rest of ya'll. I'm going to make a concerted effort to see Lorraine more often. This I've decided. Because it's really nice to talk to her, since she's always so discombobulated yet down to earth at the same time. I like talking to her. I miss her in her apartment. Speaking of, where you at Dara? I haven't seen you at the Group Outings we've had recently--Kelsey's Birthday, Secret Santa, Nadine's Party. I understand since you've got so many responsibilities, so I'll try to see you more often as well. If I'm stalking the corridors of McMahon, I'll pop up at your room again, hopefully while you're studying. That was nice the last time I visited. I need to do this seeing as how I have little to no responsibilities of my own.

Nicole, I haven't had a one on one conversation with you in forever. It makes for a gaping absence and I would really, really like to know what's up. Don't forget that we're all rooting for you. Please. Janelle, I'm so glad you're heading Anakbayan UW so I have an excuse to see you every week. I hope one day to follow you home unasked and bother you like old times. Aileen. Aileen, Aileen, Aileen. You're a sister to me. And you need to return to me my Pride and Prejudice DVD. Like, now. Arabella, every time you leave UW, I hope you arrive at everything you could ever want or need. We've seen you so much despite your life taking its roots as ours are still so indecisive. Example: Your Secret Santa present was the toast of the town. That is some steely decision making, guy.

Nadine, I hope you get all that you work so, so hard for in the coming quarter. I'd like to study with you some time, so you're not alone, since I think studying with others is important. That goes for everyone, mind you. But do what you have to do, just bring those books up to Norcamp sometime and I'll buy you a gajillion bags of Saya since I owe you so much. Monz, don't be a stranger. Come visit Mandrew and me? Pretty please? We're still fighting over whomever's your Main Gay, and by hanging out with both of us, you don't have to worry about any Ultimatums thrown your way any time soon. You too, rest of SoCamp Old Boy.

Misha, take all the time you need. The dynamics of our friendship is that no time passes between meetings. This is both hilarious and comforting because you taught me how to appreciate awkwardness. It is where my funny comes from. Mariela, I'm ridiculously happy for you. You're living the life, mang. I can't help but smile. Can't help it, you cad, you saucy fox, you. If there's ever a bump in your road, guy, just call. Always, call. Call if you manage to hiccup and cough and sneeze with your eyes open at the same time so we can document this. I'll keep the same thing in mind. Molly, we adore you. You're the element to the group we could never imagine being without now that you're here. We're so glad you deign to belong to us. Kelsey... You er, keep on doing whatever it is you do.

I promise I will work my hardest to meet you all halfway, I hope you're there to see me light up when you show up.

Right Mindfulness Despite myself, I think my wide-eyed vision of love as a sweet and holy engulfing of flame, the most important and beautiful of obtainable hapinesses (don't laugh) is dying. It's stupid, fine, but what is life without it? I gave up religion years ago. I've slowly yet surely given up on the idea that I'll change the world, because I've made peace with my own mediocrity, and I only half snicker with bitterness at this inanity, this pipe dream. I've long given up on attempts at understanding what seems like a shared destiny amongst us all to live from dream to dream before the fall and the sadnesses that punctuates our lives. I've even given up on my heroes. Who are my heroes? Does Hobbes win? Is all life truly solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short? I think I've become more apathetic than I would have allowed myself years ago. Where did I go? What is my philosphy now that love is revealed to fade? It used to be Never Settle but I've settled. It used to be Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger but juvenile melodrama and and mawkish, pitiful thoughts of death are embarassingly long gone. You'll laugh about this later seems too ridiculous to be a blanket statement for all intents and purposes.

Alex-Li Tandem wrote on his hotel service card at the end of his stay that his personal view on life is to Regret everything and always live in the past. How stupid and sad is it that I feel this applies to myself? Maybe I can't, rather I don't want to relate to Alex because I'm so much like him. And I feel the humour draining from me.

Right Concentration Happy New Year, guys. I will surely look back at this embarassing, babbling, over-wrought, over-handled, written-after-too-many-hours-awake post and laugh.

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Thursday, January 1, 2009 | 10:36 a.m. |

Highlights

New Year's Eve at Lorraine's House with Lorraine, Chase, Nadine, Randi, & Kevin

Concerts - Love & Tragedy at Benaroya Hall / the attempt to at Dvorak a few days later to no avail / the Black Keys / Handsome Furs, Fleet Foxes, the Teenagers, Man Plus, that other band / Tetris / SubPop 20 / missing Bumbershoot for the first time in years / Diplo, Abe Vigoda, Boy 8-Bit and Telepathe on Halloween / Molly's poor feet

My Birthday Todai in the morning with parents and friends / so many free cereal bars / back to UW / Bill's suggestion to go to Neighbours / talking to Sherrylyn about the ridiculousness that is Neighbours and the scared look in Kevin's face / watching Battle Royale at Julius' House / the ridiculousness that is Neighbours / Nadine's poor feet

The Grey Lounge Talking using computers / I hate foosball / homework parties almost every night / playing advance wars with Tim / Nadine reading her journal to Tim and me / break's at Rick's for ice cream / wanting to die from cardboard stool making / the fiasco that was The Charmander Picture / so much computer science

The Outdoors Green Lake / Gas Works / I hate ultimate frisbee / seriously, what a stupid name / summer at the Children's Park / biking / longboarding / exploring wherever the lavender comes from in Washington / Sweet Caroline and the epic weekend of food / Looking for local parks in Bremerton during the summer

Design Art 166 / Bananas / Steven Holl / that fucking stool / 3.2 < 3.7 / Helvetica / Design Major's Show / Karen Cheng / portfolio making / the design exam / getting in / Nicole getting in / Janelle getting in / Chase having been in

Festivals & Events Sakuracon / Folk Life / Missing out on PAX / Cheese Festival / Career Fairs / Secret Santa / Valentines Day

The Gays & Politics Neighbours on my Birthday and Spring Break / first boyfriend / break up / Straight or Gay panel / Drag Show / the awkward 8th floor "dance party" / gay marriage in California / voting for the first time / OBAMA / Prop 8 / my first protest march for gay rights

Hobbies & Extracurricular Bike from Kevin / The World Ends With You / Persona / Revolutionary Road / White Teeth / Sedaris / At Swim, Two Boys / the Seattle Public Library book sale / FFFFound / moleskines / sketchbooks / Twyla Tharp / The Ballet / volunteering at Rick's / volunteering at Relay for Life / Ian's Domain / Catalyst / Tagalog Class / Christine C.'s birthday party / Kelsey's summer BBQ / Special A / Ouran Host Club / Haruhi / Beth's / Sushi Land / Improv / Mexican Sunday Dinners

Vacation San Francisco / SFSU / Pop Scene / walrus / Japanese picturebooth / the letter / Virgin Airlines / ticket malfunction that set us back 100+ dollars

The Heartbreaking the Fight with Kevin and Chase / Losing my iPod / Arabella's late night emergency(ies) / Design disappointment / family issues for all of us / love

The Transcendant falling in love with the ferry again / seeing Lorraine dance / Seeing Mariela again / Slumber parties at the girls' Apartment / Improv / acting in a play and loving it so much / White Teeth / Revolutionary Road / love

Thursday, January 1, 2009 | 09:53 a.m. |

What Am I Doing Wrong?

What's Left?

And Yet I Feel Like I Was Here a Year Before

Dukkha, the Nature of Suffering

Samudaya, Suffering's Origin

Nirodha, Suffering's Cessation

Marga, the Way Leading to the Cessation of Suffering

The Eightfold Path

Highlights